“A conflicted heart feed on doubt and confusion. It will make you question your path, your tactics, your motives and you stare ahead in darkness and it’s all your see. Only reason and determination can pull you back from the abyss.”
What did you expect from fate? What did you expect from it by talking about it to someone you left behind for 2 years, someone that has a lot in common with you, someone that has not been passively waiting for your return.
There is no bitterness or regret. Frankly, there is nothing special, but an ordinary friendship. The kind that you rekindle with after a certain period of time just to exchange brief life summaries, very general and vague. The kind where you ask cliché questions, but give each other satisfying and quirky answers that make a smooth transition into a pleasant conversation for the rest of the evening. The kind where there seem so much more to each answer, but you, now distant a person, hesitate to ask for details by fear of being intrusive while they, not just as distant a person, hold back to avoid boring you. The kind that is light, cheerful, that lacks any depth. Its simplicity is your bliss. Its limits are only reasonable.
Why did you walk away and look at me as if something could have been? Why did you seem so disappointed that fate did not tie two lives together? Why do you insist on fate and ignore luck, coincidence, and the make-believe?
The only thing I wish I had said to you before my cordial goodbye is : «I hope you aren’t too disapointed that people aren’t static figurines, at least not for long.»
I just wish you would have learned to not only consider your self-motivated perspective. I wish you would consider the multitude of different, unique, and similar worlds of others. I wish to tell you that life, experience does not progress at the same pace for everyone, and that is why fate rarely binds two souls when they aren’t in perfect harmony. Harmony takes the will of each side - the will to adjust, adapt, and accord one’s own pace of life with another’s. Temporary harmony is possible and the most common in the closest of friendships. Eternal harmony is a lot of effort and a reason that no one will ever understand.
Similarities- Tipsy on wine
The similarities are striking. If I was just to put you two next to each other and compare, I would say that you two are almost identical except the jawline. Oh, what the hell - do I have to rationalize this? Not this summer.
That’s what I need right now - a calm heart. In order to do so, it’s time for another rant. I think everybody has heard of the expression “give somebody an inch and they will take a mile”. Clearly, I have not learned it well enough to apply it in my everyday life which explains why I am here, at home, alone, angry on a friday night. Angry because what had initially be a perhaps risky good deed turned into a mini disaster of 35$.
Angry because of how conflicted you are when in the end, the person that supposedly helps you is not your friend, but the person against whom you had grudge. Angry because you can’t believe how a good friend would let you down for 11.50$ - angry because you see that everything we reproche to someone else we do it too and we are “that” , but we don’t see. No one will tell us, because that is how common courtesy goes - our closest friends have learned to love us for whom we are, and won’t tell us our flaws. It is up to us to evaluate through introspection? Well, sometimes it will just never happened, but not in freaking time to get me out of trouble. At least not in time to make me doubt the necessity of making good deeds in the first place.
Frustrated because you know it is a vicious cycle, and your pride still wants to fight back. Hopeful, because in the end this is a skirmish in hindsight. Yet, these skirmish and especially the small trivial gestures defines who we are and who we grow into. It is not the safest move to underestimate the potential of small break outs - often, they can bring about the deepest fisures between two person.
For the conclusion? the generic stuff - nothing is black or white, life has ups and down, people are good and bad. This shade of grey (one not fifty - lame attempt at a joke), truly tires me and I can’t help but wonder (or hope) if I am not looking at things the wrong way. I mean we all have trouble to right?
Betrayed, that is the word I was trying to avoid using. That feeling we get, but is never really justified when you ask yourself what kind of loyalty really exists in life that could be unversal and could last beyond exceptions? To not be a pessimist, I like to leave it an open ended question as if there is one.
Unrealistic emotional hope - that’s what he called it.
It was true - seeing her again didn’t bring back any form of motivation. Seeing her again didn’t bring any form of revelation. Seeing her again didn’t kill me. Seeing her again just felt like having a piece of my soul back.
In fact, 5 minutes after seeing her picture, I forgot her face again. All I remember is that she was pretty. All I remember are the bamboos. All I remember is that bliss existed at the very begining. All I remember was that staring at the picture felt reassuring.
Unrealistic? No, the past is very real indeed.
Emotional? Everything is when it is someone close to you
Hope? Four letter words I like to keep in mind when I am counting stars.
That’s what he called it - because it meant just as much to him.
Will it really make a difference? Will it bring back the dreams?
Seeing her again will be like finding another lost fragment of this soul. After 15 years - the moment is now. It’s strange - afterall…we’re family.
Not to sound too drastic, but I know nothing will be the same again.
Terrible terrible performance, timing, and memory. Just one of those awful days were your mind and emotions are in shambles. Everything that could go wrong goes wrong (except the weather). At work, sadness and anger are contagious. Polite, nice and motivated people should just stay away from my doom cloud floating above my head. If you are not upset enough to cry, but too much to apologize and talk it out- best stay in a corner before vexing someone around you.
It is only after a horrible day that a glimpse of the four-letter word HOPE comes along. Patiently waiting. 15 years. Will this picture finally fufill the hallow of my scattered memories?
This is all I feel like devouring right now. Focusing is not my mind’s first priority despite the time has come to put in the most of our effort. I really do not want this to me a fruitless endeavour; however, I have become worried, anxious, intrepid as summer approches. As another summer will come and go by - I will spend thinking of a better summer not working or rotting in my hole - not being desperate looking for motivation in a place that drags me six feet down low (I don’t mean the city I live in - it’s great).
I know myself well enough to say that I will try to keep myself busy like a workaholic. I will swallow my envy for other free souls, free to travel with their famillies or with an exchange program. It might sound selfish, but I believe we all come to this point where you are just upset at the inevitable.There is nothing stoping me anymore aside from my own mistakes. All this time, who would have guessed? Your past self intentionnally sabotaged your future self. The question remains to see whether or not it was the right decision. Why can’t I bring myself to just go? Why am I still afraid?
Perhaps dreaming and working wasn’t enough - not when you have other business to deal with.
Fever Fever why do you strike me now?
Ah - the odds are?
Nothing more to say or ramble about - I miss her so much. I believe she was truly inspiring and quite humbly shy about her accomplishments. She taught us we could do what we love and be free. She told us we had to work hard. She advised us to take our time - you don’t necessarily need to follow the flock: To be building a strong independant character, making no space of being told what you have to do, yet being a team player, realizing when cooperation can help tackle the most difficult of tasks.
Here sits a quiet admirer, distracter heart, clumsy speaker not agile with pompous,fancy terminologies - may our paths cross again. May I one day thank you for all the help you have provided and all the hard work you have put it.